Tuesday, August 27, 2013

First Things First

I had a lot in my mind when finding out I was BRCA positive this year. I eventually started writing in "notes" on my phone app and have since grown more and more to accept it all. I've decided with some awesome BRCA "Sisters" references to share publicly for it makes a worlds difference when you hear the words, "me too". This first post is basically my phone copied onto this blog.

Chronicling Cancer Experience Online Can Reduce Depressive Symptoms in Breast Cancer Patients

August 21, 2013
-Let's Do This
Today is Wednesday August 21st. It's the first day since August 7th that I have not cried. 14 days of self pity and maybe an irrational fear of death.  This morning I woke up with this unforeseen source of reassurance and advantageousness.    Maybe I am done with this phase. While I debate on sharing further for the fear of how it's handled or construed, I am advised to share it with myself through a "journal". I put the word journal in parenthesis as if it would make it bother me less. I am not a writer. This is not me. Though I realize this may be how I can express the truth in black and white as it is. I can convey my thoughts and endless rambles in written form as I feel them.  I must say I can see why people do it as it is indeed good therapy.

August 22, 2013
-Everyone Fights Their Own Battles
Umm...I was definitely not done crying. Yesterday must have been a nice little break.  I cried at my daughters Birthday party. I cried at the dentist. I cried at swimming lessons. I cry in the car.  I cry in commercials, tv shows, Facebook posts, etc. This is why I know it bothers me bc I'm normally not a crier. I'm normally good at being strong and at least pretending things don't bother me, however this isn't making the cut. I'm ready to stop for I feel selfish pouting. I can't imagine those who are fighting a full blown battle. Those are some emotions I don't want to deal with and pray I won't have to. I still have this uber uncomfortable fear and newfound jealousy. I am jealous of people who sleep. I want to sleep.  People who complain about immature problems like a dent in a car is the worst day ever. I want that to be my fear. Worst of all, if something were to happen to me in this "journey", I'm jealous of the people who get to stay on this earth with my daughters. I don't know why I think of these things but I do.

August 23, 2013
-I Finally Said "It" Out Loud
I keep thinking about these blogs, FB chatrooms, Pinterest boards that I've read regarding all of this.  It has amazing tales of strong women going through their journeys updating where in the process they are. Full of  all the surgery code words and new emotions, new body parts, fears, etc.  Hearing and seeing women profess their stories does help as I know I'm not alone and tells me all the different things that are coming my way. However, it doesn't exactly make me feel better, maybe a little worse knowing all the facts at this time.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

I stepped out of the box today and posted in a private group on FB. Full of women who are dealing with the same thing I am. I literally explained that this is the first time I've said anything "out loud" and that
I will be 29 next month and will have had my entire second base revamped, ovaries completely removed and start of menopause before I'm 30.  
Bring this bitch on.
August 24, 2013
-Is It Really Elective Surgery If the Alternative Is Cancer? 

I read a fellow "previvor" testimony  who found cancer when getting her preventive double mastectomy. Which deems scary when you have MRIs and mammograms regularly to somewhat foretell this sort of thing. It was grade 1 and chemo wasn't necessary. All I know is thankfully she did it. It does make me apprehensive that even though I'm being preventive, it doesn't necessarily mean you will beat the clock.  She is in her twenties.  I thought I was too young to do all this before 30 but I am once again proven wrong. I can only hope to be a previvor and not end up doing chemotherapy. If that is my case, I pray to be a survivor.  
     I'd like to know how come I can't win the lottery or one of those "share to win this on FB" or a freaking game of canasta but I'm "lucky" enough fall in these numbers: "Like other gene mutations, BRCA mutations are rare in the general population. In the U.S., between 1 in 400 and 1 in 800 people in the general population carry a BRCA mutation." 
All I can say is, BRCA is going to be made my bitch. Not the other way around. 
August 25, 2013
"Nipples or No Nipples"
I'm learning about organizations such as FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered) which is more help and support for me personally. It's good to know your not alone.  It's amazing all the new things I still discover that will be in my future.  Like having to choose what kind of boobs you want or can get. These are some of the things I'm asking myself:
Do you want skin grafts from your thighs or ass to be your boob? What about stretching your chest by blowing up with air once a week followed by second surgery at least a month later just to put actual boob in.  

Do you have limited supply of blood or need leech therapy with actual leeches? Do you want to tattoo your areola back on? Do you want nipples? Possibly neither and never have to wear a bra again? Will I take medications to help deal with menopause? How do I keep house temp down for hot flashes and up for baby? Will my hair fall out after hormones are messed with?

1 comment:

  1. I tried finding a way to contact you, but figured commenting on post will just have to do. I too was diagnosed with BRCA1 in September and almost EVERYTHING your wrote I can say a big AMEN SISTER to. Thank you for posting. Thank you! If you ever need to chat look me up at allreddesign.net@gmail.com would love to chat about this anytime!!